Wednesday, 14 April 2010

New Deadliest Warrior

Have you seen the program "Deadliest Warrior" ? If the answer is no, then you have missed an unexpected treat on a par with accidentally walking into the ladies toilet with your cock hanging out and bumping into the open mouth of a woman bending down to tie her shoe laces.

Basically, in this programme, 2 warrior types from history are pitted against each other to see who can outlast the other e.g. Viking vs Samurai, Yakuza vs Mafia, William Wallace vs Shaka Zulu. It's a flawless concept in every way, backed up using computer modelling and with deadly assaults on pig carcasses by drooling psychopaths and my only possible gripe with this show is that they seem to have missed out the greatest and deadliest warrior in history, thus rendering the show completely redundant.

So here I serve up to you my own imagined contest for the title of true.........deadliest warrior !

First up, an old friend , the legendary knight of feudal Japan known as the Samurai with his fearsome sword known as the Katana. Highly skilled, ferociously loyal and well-equipped, the Samurai is a frightening prospect and in the Deadliest Warrior simulation, he pissed over the fur-lined boots of the mighty Viking, vanquishing his Nordic opponent 522 times to 478.

Samurai :

Weapons : 

Close Range : Katana

Mid-Range : Naginata

Long Range : Yumi

Special Weapons : Kanabo

Pitted against the Samurai, the legendary U.S. postal worker, famed for his unattractive uniform and deadly killing sprees. Unarmored and prone to frequent dog attacks, at first glance the postie doesn't seem to represent a serious challenge to the Samurai warrior, but appearances can be deceptive.

U.S. Postal Worker :

Weapons :

Close Range : Finger Jab

Mid-Range : Harsh Language

Long Range : AR-15 Assault Rifle

Special Weapons : Suppressed Rage , Long-Held Grievances / Sense of Injustice, Lack of Dietary Fibre

Simulation based on data fed into computer gaming engine as per the TV show:

The Samurai wanders into the sorting office and up to the parcel collection area muttering in Japanese. He spends 20 minutes arguing in Japanese with the guy behind the counter about why he needs to produce ID to collect his parcel from his mother in Kyoto when the postal worker suddenly  shouts "I can't take any more of this shit, man !" pulls his assault rifle from a concealed position under the counter and shoots the startled Samurai point blank, his head exploding like a ripe melon. The postal worker then runs amok throughout the facility, shooting numerous co-workers before he is taken out by a passing SWAT team that was on its way to a shooting incident in another post office nearby.

Result : Flawless Victory !

Simulation Run 1,000 times - Results :

Samurai : 0 kills

U.S. Postal Worker : 1,000 kills

(During one simulation, the postal worker's gun jammed but he managed to block the Samurai's razor-sharp Katana using a bundle of telephone directories until a SWAT team suddenly arrived and, mistaking the Samurai for a foreign terrorist, shot him 34 times).

So there you go, the Samurai, the greatest Japanese warrior and one of the greatest warriors of all time, looks like a complete wanker when matched against the surly attitude and modern firepower of the US postal worker - the true and overlooked....Deadliest Warrior !


  1. Tarq, I've seen this show and even so, I have to say that your description caused a chill to go all the way down my back. Those men and women in blue are steely-eyed, bottled up volcanos of rage! I find that apologizing first, before I even ask a question of them, helps keep me alive. For example, I'll say, "Sir, I'm sorry for asking this, and I really do apologize, but, may I please be allowed to buy a book of stamps from you if you don't mind terribly? I have exact change and I don't require a receipt? Please, kind Sir?"

    Usually this strategy earns me a disgusted look, but also the opportunity to buy the stamps. Unless I happen to mistake a female postal worker for male (this happens one in five times or so), in which case I'm beaten to within an inch of my life before being allowed to leave, stampless, becasue I was "at least polite enough to say 'please' when I asked." God forbid I even see the wrong end of their full-on rage. (shudder)

  2. You're the wisest man i know, Smag (that is actually true).
    The US postal worker bears lifelong grudges and I've heard tell that if you so much as affix a stamp to an envelope slightly askew, one of those vengeful motherfuckers will track you halfway across the world. Hiding 1,000 metres below the surface in a nuclear sub in the middle of the Pacific is but a minor obstacle to those tenacious sons of bitches.