Tuesday, 7 December 2010

New Deadliest Warrior # 3 : Thai Hooker vs Italian Sailor

Thai Hooker :

For those brought up since early childhood on the wholesome goodness of asian porn, it's difficult to believe that anything oriental could have its darker side, but the truth is, is that if you let your guard down for but a moment, the humble Thai hooker will fuck you up worse than an undead Bruce Lee.

Weapons :

Close Range           : Ball squeeze

Mid-Range             : Whip

Long-Range           : Vibrating Ball Bola

Special Weapons   : Heavy Make-Up ; Low Prices ; Extreme Cunning ; Concealed Penis ; Venereal Disease ; Syphilis ; Gonorrhea

Italian Sailor :

Italian military personnel have never had a very high reputation. One joke goes that the Italian navy uses glass-bottomed boats so they can steer clear of the old Italian navy. Do they stand a better chance against an un-armed civilian adversary ?

Weapons -

Close Range         : Ass pinch

Mid-Range           : Dark hair ; good looks ; Italian accent

Long-Range         : Extreme cowardice

Special Weapons : Pretending to be Macho; running away ; shrieking like a little girl ; 

Simulation :

Italian sailor propositions Thai hooker in the age-old manner (by squeezing her ass).  'She' pulls her dress up to reveal 'her' surprisingly large cock and while he is gawping in disbelief, the Thai ladyboy jams 2 vibrating eggs into his eye sockets before thrusting a sharpened dildo through the side of his neck.

Flawless Victory !

Italain sailor proves no match for his cunning oriental adversary and must go in search of a less formidable opponent such as a gerbil or money spider.

Sunday, 28 November 2010

Truly Serious Amore

My friends, it gives me great pleasure to announce my forthcoming engagement to Lydia, a very special lady i met whilst journeying by the areoplane across the United States of the Americas. Lydia is a transportation security specialist who enjoys her work and to say she opened my eyes about certain aspects of her job would be a severe understatement -  my eyes were literally popping out of my head. Let's just say that during the course of Lydia's 'inspection', boundaries weren't just explored - the whole map was comprehensively re-written.

I emerged from her pat-down on shaky legs, feeling violated, abused and thoroughly satisfied. I knew almost immediately that i couldn't rely on the vagaries of my business calendar to fulfill my needs - i had to be 'inspected' by Lydia every night. Before it was too late, I blurted out that i had swallowed 2 kilos of C4 and the deal was sealed.

Sometimes we find love in the strangest places.

Anorexia Blog of the Week

from DoesMySkullLookBigInThis?.blogspot.com

Better Dead than Redshirt


Monday, 6 September 2010


Right now, i bet you're thinking old Tarquin's sitting there alone in the dark again, sniffing his fingers and listening to the soundtrack to Star Trek II : Wrath of Khan, thinking of all the different ways to assassinate Smagboy. Well, it's true, i am thinking that, but i'm also thinking that the only explanation for the way people treat me is some kind of discrepancy between my own self-image and how other people see me. I'm guessing the discrepancy looks something like this :

1. How I See Myself

2. How Others See Me :

Obviously, that comparison was an exaggeration and that second picture looks nothing like me. The real me has a boner from catching an eyeful of that chick's panties in the first picture.

Better Dead than Redshirt

Friday, 3 September 2010

Astrological Horoscope for GOoPers

Leo : Pluto is rising up like an uppity black man so you can expect 18 Mexican drug dealers to move in next door and triumphant Muslim Nazis to goosestep all over 9/11 hallowed ground before a dozen of their ululating burkha bitches squat and take a steaming crap on Ground Zero

Capricorn : A large body is rotating out of Uranus which means your crystal energy levels will be radiating at maximum intensity : a good month to spend on the internet investigating them who would conceal Obama's true place of birth (Mecca).

Taurus : Oh my, Venus is colliding with the Moon which foretells confrontation. A shotgun in his mouth might just be the way to make your weird neighbour confess whether he's a genuine tea-bagger or just a paranoid schizophrenic who's off his meds.

Cancer : Venus is moving into the Eighth House and your battered wife is moving into her sister's house so this is the perfect moment to admit you're a repressed homosexual.

Sagittarius : Mercury turns retrograde this year which can only mean one thing : you are fucking retarded.

Gemini : That cult you joined is getting boring. A good month to get involved in Tarot readings, buy a crystal ball, become obsessed with numerology and purchase a machine gun.

Libra : Jupiter is spitting jism in the general direction of Neptune so Mystic Mick predicts donating whatever funds you have to the Church of Scientology because it's End Times Armageddon plus The Rapture x 8 with whipped cream on top. Actually, this should apply to all the signs but astrology never made much sense. Anyway, buy a one-way ticket to Israel so you can get a front-row seat for the apocalypse.

Pisces : Saturn is doing a merry jig around the Third House so your birther instincts will be flowing like redneck semen at a WWF smackdown. This might be the ideal time to make Obama admit that he was catapulted forward in time by Hitler's Muslim stormtroopers to impose socialism on Americans and to declare Osama Bin Laden Sultan of California.

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

Thursday, 6 May 2010

Shih Tzu : half dog, half monkey, all trouble.

Imagine a pill, which, instead of alleviating migraines, actually induces them, then imagine this pill is covered in spikes and is injected directly into your brain and what you have there is the pharmaceutical equivalent of a Shih Tzu, a dog without any purpose in the world aside from giving you splitting headaches and setting your nerves on edge.

You see, a Shih Tzu only sleeps 85% of the time,unfortunately, which means that still leaves it a solid 15% segment of quality time which it can spend clacking around on your hardwood floors, licking itself, scratching, farting and generally shredding your nerve endings up until the time you take it for a walk whereupon it does its utmost to make you look as homosexual as possible.

Here’s 6 solid reasons why Shih Tzu are a mistake as a pet and as a general concept :

1. Shih Tzu are stupid - they rank 70th in Stanley Coren's The Intelligence of Dogs, considered one of the lowest degree of working/obedience intelligence (trainability).
For Shih Tzu, an ‘incredible journey’ is finding its way to the back garden ;

2. Shih Tzu are so low to the ground they’re practically seals which means they collect more mud and dirt on their undercarriage than a 4 by 4 in the Congo ;

3. A dog’s eyes shouldn’t bulge out of its head that much unless I’m throttling it (which i usually am to be fair) ;

4. Shih Tzu seem to go deaf after just one evening sitting next to your hi-fi speakers ;

5. At first glance,a Shih Tzu looks pretty small but they’ll eat you out of house and home and then spread their shit around the garden like a turbo-charged muck-spreader. In fact, they convert money into shit faster than anything this side of an investment tip from Goldman Sachs ;

6. Shih Tzu produce enough ear wax to keep the Roman Catholic church in candles until the second coming.



Shih Tzu puppy                                Tasmanian DEVIL


                   Shih Tzu = Devil dog           PROOF !!!  ^^^





Thursday, 29 April 2010

A New Addition to Our Family

Inspired by Madonna and Brangelina's example , we recently decided to take the plunge and adopt someone from a backward, impoverished country and share with them all the things that we have been lucky and blessed enough to take for granted such as indoor plumbing, electricity and the internet.

Meet Seamus :

Seamus is from Ireland and had never been outside of a pub or seen a widescreen TV before he joined us in England. He lights up our life with his hearty laughter and smoker's cough and radiates joy throughout our humble abode like a little beaker of strontium-90. Truly, we feel blessed to have been given this opportunity to bestow our love on this little bundle of cantankerousness and he surely validates us in a way in which our natural daughter could never hope to. 

Getting Seamus to rise from bed before 2 in the afternoon and changing his soiled underwear has occasionally proved challenging, but he more than rewards us with his colourfully obscene language and feisty bouts of physical violence. Right now, i can hear my wife's friends exploding in gales of laughter as she recounts the time he cracked a whisky bottle across her forehead for trying to stop him from defecating in one of our antique Chinese vases. This incorrigibly cheeky scamp will be the death of us, i'm sure.

Wednesday, 28 April 2010


Monday, 26 April 2010

Ozzel Strikes Again


Saturday, 24 April 2010

Jobs That Should Be Banned # 1


Waiting is so demeaning that it should just be outlawed because nobody actually needs waiters - they’re just there so some nobody can feel like he’s king for the day. Banning waiting as an occupation would force those people who feel they have to fetch and carry stuff for assholes, to seek out a nobler, more highly-valued profession such as fluffer in the gay porn industry.

Just because some asshole decides to take his wife out for the first time in 5 years, he suddenly feels he’s inherited the mantle of Louis XVIII or King Tutankhamun and enters the restaurant like he’s riding a golden fucking chariot before proceeding to treat the waiter like a sub in a degrading S & M powerplay. 

“I expect to be treated well,” the asshole says. “I’m paying a lot for this meal in order to secure a couple of helpings of pity-sex from my cold-hearted bitch of a wife, and, besides which”, he adds, “I always leave a generous tip.  The only time I don’t leave a tip is if the staff are rude or the service is poor.”

Who the fuck is this entitled douchebag? The king of Bohemia ? Waiters earn a pittance that would outrage a 7 year old living on a trashpile in the Philippines, so even if they ejaculate in your soup and shit in your napkin, waiters MUST ALWAYS be tipped handsomely. Waiting is a poorly-paid and demeaning job which would easily crush the spirits of Mother Theresa, Shirley Temple and Jesus Christ combined like a cargo-container full of gold bricks. By threatening to withhold a tip from these demoralized, hollow-eyed workers, you are effectively pressurizing them to smile and be polite which is like forcing a concentration camp inmate to perform a complicated tap dance routine at the point of a gun.


McDonalds’ food tastes like cardboard smeared with pigswill but customers are apparently still “lovin’ it !” Obviously, what they are “lovin’” is not the disgusting food, so I can only assume that the love they are feeling is a positive reaction to the lack of waiters and to their being forced to clear up their own shit. 

Famous Waiters

Unlike chefs and plumbers and just about every imaginable job out there, there are NO famous waiters except for the fictional character of Manuel in Fawlty Towers and he was famous mostly for getting his ass kicked and being publicly humiliated, which was, at least, a realistic depiction of what the job entails.


Waiting = Getting Your Ass Kicked 

The fact is, is that nobody needs waiters anyway. People wouldn’t even need someone to ladle the food onto their plate if they weren’t such incorrigibly greedy fuckers and could be trusted not to pile the plate to the sky and push the restaurant into bankruptcy.

Paying people to bring you your food is equivalent to paying someone to wipe your ass. Get it yourself, you lazy shit.

(Yes, I have waited tables a long time ago, and the only circumstances I could imagine doing it again involve an open-mouthed Jessica Alba sans knickers).

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

Sunday, 18 April 2010

New Deadliest Warrior # 2 : Caveman vs Predator Drone


Predator Drone Wins ! Flawless Victory !

The U.S. and Damage Control

Look, the last 10 years has seen the United States' reputation go straight into the crapper and so you need to take the advice of this outsider and exercise some serious damage control in the future. My tips :

1. First up, if your President is George W. Bush, then you need to keep that shit quiet for as long as possible

2. Someone should be going round full-time to correct the tea-baggers' spelling - it's a fucking disgrace


3. A deep trench should be dug around Mississippi and set on fire

4. Sarah Palin should be knee-capped 

5. Paris Hilton should be tricked into participating in a snuff movie

6. All signs at the Texas border, heading out, should point back towards Houston with a warning sign stating : FAGS AHEAD !

7. Celine Dion should be arrested as a spy and liquidated by firing squad

8. At least one artillery division should be re-deployed from Afghanistan to Texas to pound renegade pockets of rednecks.