Thursday, 29 April 2010

A New Addition to Our Family

Inspired by Madonna and Brangelina's example , we recently decided to take the plunge and adopt someone from a backward, impoverished country and share with them all the things that we have been lucky and blessed enough to take for granted such as indoor plumbing, electricity and the internet.

Meet Seamus :

Seamus is from Ireland and had never been outside of a pub or seen a widescreen TV before he joined us in England. He lights up our life with his hearty laughter and smoker's cough and radiates joy throughout our humble abode like a little beaker of strontium-90. Truly, we feel blessed to have been given this opportunity to bestow our love on this little bundle of cantankerousness and he surely validates us in a way in which our natural daughter could never hope to. 

Getting Seamus to rise from bed before 2 in the afternoon and changing his soiled underwear has occasionally proved challenging, but he more than rewards us with his colourfully obscene language and feisty bouts of physical violence. Right now, i can hear my wife's friends exploding in gales of laughter as she recounts the time he cracked a whisky bottle across her forehead for trying to stop him from defecating in one of our antique Chinese vases. This incorrigibly cheeky scamp will be the death of us, i'm sure.

Wednesday, 28 April 2010


Monday, 26 April 2010

Ozzel Strikes Again


Saturday, 24 April 2010

Jobs That Should Be Banned # 1


Waiting is so demeaning that it should just be outlawed because nobody actually needs waiters - they’re just there so some nobody can feel like he’s king for the day. Banning waiting as an occupation would force those people who feel they have to fetch and carry stuff for assholes, to seek out a nobler, more highly-valued profession such as fluffer in the gay porn industry.

Just because some asshole decides to take his wife out for the first time in 5 years, he suddenly feels he’s inherited the mantle of Louis XVIII or King Tutankhamun and enters the restaurant like he’s riding a golden fucking chariot before proceeding to treat the waiter like a sub in a degrading S & M powerplay. 

“I expect to be treated well,” the asshole says. “I’m paying a lot for this meal in order to secure a couple of helpings of pity-sex from my cold-hearted bitch of a wife, and, besides which”, he adds, “I always leave a generous tip.  The only time I don’t leave a tip is if the staff are rude or the service is poor.”

Who the fuck is this entitled douchebag? The king of Bohemia ? Waiters earn a pittance that would outrage a 7 year old living on a trashpile in the Philippines, so even if they ejaculate in your soup and shit in your napkin, waiters MUST ALWAYS be tipped handsomely. Waiting is a poorly-paid and demeaning job which would easily crush the spirits of Mother Theresa, Shirley Temple and Jesus Christ combined like a cargo-container full of gold bricks. By threatening to withhold a tip from these demoralized, hollow-eyed workers, you are effectively pressurizing them to smile and be polite which is like forcing a concentration camp inmate to perform a complicated tap dance routine at the point of a gun.


McDonalds’ food tastes like cardboard smeared with pigswill but customers are apparently still “lovin’ it !” Obviously, what they are “lovin’” is not the disgusting food, so I can only assume that the love they are feeling is a positive reaction to the lack of waiters and to their being forced to clear up their own shit. 

Famous Waiters

Unlike chefs and plumbers and just about every imaginable job out there, there are NO famous waiters except for the fictional character of Manuel in Fawlty Towers and he was famous mostly for getting his ass kicked and being publicly humiliated, which was, at least, a realistic depiction of what the job entails.


Waiting = Getting Your Ass Kicked 

The fact is, is that nobody needs waiters anyway. People wouldn’t even need someone to ladle the food onto their plate if they weren’t such incorrigibly greedy fuckers and could be trusted not to pile the plate to the sky and push the restaurant into bankruptcy.

Paying people to bring you your food is equivalent to paying someone to wipe your ass. Get it yourself, you lazy shit.

(Yes, I have waited tables a long time ago, and the only circumstances I could imagine doing it again involve an open-mouthed Jessica Alba sans knickers).

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

Sunday, 18 April 2010

New Deadliest Warrior # 2 : Caveman vs Predator Drone


Predator Drone Wins ! Flawless Victory !

The U.S. and Damage Control

Look, the last 10 years has seen the United States' reputation go straight into the crapper and so you need to take the advice of this outsider and exercise some serious damage control in the future. My tips :

1. First up, if your President is George W. Bush, then you need to keep that shit quiet for as long as possible

2. Someone should be going round full-time to correct the tea-baggers' spelling - it's a fucking disgrace


3. A deep trench should be dug around Mississippi and set on fire

4. Sarah Palin should be knee-capped 

5. Paris Hilton should be tricked into participating in a snuff movie

6. All signs at the Texas border, heading out, should point back towards Houston with a warning sign stating : FAGS AHEAD !

7. Celine Dion should be arrested as a spy and liquidated by firing squad

8. At least one artillery division should be re-deployed from Afghanistan to Texas to pound renegade pockets of rednecks.

Saturday, 17 April 2010


Every day complete strangers come up to me, and, totally unprovoked, say something like "You could roll a ball in shit until it's twice as big as the Death Star and you still wouldn't be conveying a tenth of how much Creed stink".

"Oh yeah ?" I say. "I would if I was using MY shit," I say with a smirk.

D'oh ! Foiled by my own dim-wittedness !

Never mind. The wisdom i wish to convey is that you should never feel ashamed of Creed, no matter if it seems that the number of people who hate them actually exceeds the population of the Earth. (Btw, if people are deliberately assuming that the population of undiscovered worlds will also hate Creed, then this is hateful and unfair, especially since the alien residents of said world may lack eardrums or may find the sonic vibration from Creed's awesome riffs to be outside of their audible frequency range).

Millions of people probably hated Jesus when he first started mixing it up but after years and years of touring and not giving up on the dream, he had attracted a solid base of fans which, today, would be at least on a par with what Sarah Palin has got going on. Hundreds of years later, people loved Jesus so much that they started torturing other people to force them to say how much they loved Jesus. Can you imagine a world where Creed fans torture other people to force them to say how great Creed are ? I can....... and it's beautiful.

What I'm trying to say is that you should never be ashamed of your choices in life and you should have the courage of your convictions, whether it's completely trivial (voting for Ralph Nader), life-defining (listening to Creed) or somewhere in the middle (drinking Dr Pepper).

The Doctor Pepper Pledge :

Drinking Dr Pepper, rather than the 2 leading brands of soft drinks, marks me out as an original thinker and a maverick, so i will continue to greedily consume it even though people mock me and it tastes like medicine.

Your Life Looks Like Dog Sick Compared to mine

Tarq's Tips to Improve Your Shitty Life # 1 - Admit You're a Moron and Adjust Your Expectations Accordingly

I used to get depressed about everything - my lack of talent ; my poorly paying job ; the low quality of my girlfriends' faces ; the poor working conditions in Filipino Special Economic Zones, but as soon as i focused purely on one realistically-possible objective - developing an awesome ass - my spirits lifted and my ego achieved lift off. I watched in awe-struck wonderment at my buttocks gradually becoming firmer, more defined and generally as solid and unyielding as a Viking fucking anvil. 

Now, they can take away my house and my car and they can destroy my credit rating - and they HAVE done all these things now - but they can never take away my frankly amazing ass. 

Only a weekend re-watching the entire 1970s Columbo back catalog with a hamperful of sugary treats can do that.

Friday, 16 April 2010

I've Seen More Smoke Coming out of a Thai Hooker's Asshole

So yesterday, every flight in the UK was cancelled, apparently because some volcano erupted in some faraway country called Iceland that most people thought was a made-up place where Santa was supposed to live, and sent out a bunch of smoke into the atmosphere.

Well, I looked out of my window yesterday - nada - and I'm sitting here looking out of my window now, and i can't see the tiniest waft of smoke heading my way. In fact, i've only ever seen crystal clear skies like these before on a postcard from Switzerland. I think this is all a big conspiracy and that something really interesting is happening somewhere and some power-mad douchebag doesn't want us to know about it.

The smoke coming off of the Icelandic volcano

Smoke from my barbeque pit as seen from 20,000 feet

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

New Deadliest Warrior

Have you seen the program "Deadliest Warrior" ? If the answer is no, then you have missed an unexpected treat on a par with accidentally walking into the ladies toilet with your cock hanging out and bumping into the open mouth of a woman bending down to tie her shoe laces.

Basically, in this programme, 2 warrior types from history are pitted against each other to see who can outlast the other e.g. Viking vs Samurai, Yakuza vs Mafia, William Wallace vs Shaka Zulu. It's a flawless concept in every way, backed up using computer modelling and with deadly assaults on pig carcasses by drooling psychopaths and my only possible gripe with this show is that they seem to have missed out the greatest and deadliest warrior in history, thus rendering the show completely redundant.

So here I serve up to you my own imagined contest for the title of true.........deadliest warrior !

First up, an old friend , the legendary knight of feudal Japan known as the Samurai with his fearsome sword known as the Katana. Highly skilled, ferociously loyal and well-equipped, the Samurai is a frightening prospect and in the Deadliest Warrior simulation, he pissed over the fur-lined boots of the mighty Viking, vanquishing his Nordic opponent 522 times to 478.

Samurai :

Weapons : 

Close Range : Katana

Mid-Range : Naginata

Long Range : Yumi

Special Weapons : Kanabo

Pitted against the Samurai, the legendary U.S. postal worker, famed for his unattractive uniform and deadly killing sprees. Unarmored and prone to frequent dog attacks, at first glance the postie doesn't seem to represent a serious challenge to the Samurai warrior, but appearances can be deceptive.

U.S. Postal Worker :

Weapons :

Close Range : Finger Jab

Mid-Range : Harsh Language

Long Range : AR-15 Assault Rifle

Special Weapons : Suppressed Rage , Long-Held Grievances / Sense of Injustice, Lack of Dietary Fibre

Simulation based on data fed into computer gaming engine as per the TV show:

The Samurai wanders into the sorting office and up to the parcel collection area muttering in Japanese. He spends 20 minutes arguing in Japanese with the guy behind the counter about why he needs to produce ID to collect his parcel from his mother in Kyoto when the postal worker suddenly  shouts "I can't take any more of this shit, man !" pulls his assault rifle from a concealed position under the counter and shoots the startled Samurai point blank, his head exploding like a ripe melon. The postal worker then runs amok throughout the facility, shooting numerous co-workers before he is taken out by a passing SWAT team that was on its way to a shooting incident in another post office nearby.

Result : Flawless Victory !

Simulation Run 1,000 times - Results :

Samurai : 0 kills

U.S. Postal Worker : 1,000 kills

(During one simulation, the postal worker's gun jammed but he managed to block the Samurai's razor-sharp Katana using a bundle of telephone directories until a SWAT team suddenly arrived and, mistaking the Samurai for a foreign terrorist, shot him 34 times).

So there you go, the Samurai, the greatest Japanese warrior and one of the greatest warriors of all time, looks like a complete wanker when matched against the surly attitude and modern firepower of the US postal worker - the true and overlooked....Deadliest Warrior !