Tuesday, 7 December 2010

New Deadliest Warrior # 3 : Thai Hooker vs Italian Sailor

Thai Hooker :

For those brought up since early childhood on the wholesome goodness of asian porn, it's difficult to believe that anything oriental could have its darker side, but the truth is, is that if you let your guard down for but a moment, the humble Thai hooker will fuck you up worse than an undead Bruce Lee.

Weapons :

Close Range           : Ball squeeze

Mid-Range             : Whip

Long-Range           : Vibrating Ball Bola

Special Weapons   : Heavy Make-Up ; Low Prices ; Extreme Cunning ; Concealed Penis ; Venereal Disease ; Syphilis ; Gonorrhea

Italian Sailor :

Italian military personnel have never had a very high reputation. One joke goes that the Italian navy uses glass-bottomed boats so they can steer clear of the old Italian navy. Do they stand a better chance against an un-armed civilian adversary ?

Weapons -

Close Range         : Ass pinch

Mid-Range           : Dark hair ; good looks ; Italian accent

Long-Range         : Extreme cowardice

Special Weapons : Pretending to be Macho; running away ; shrieking like a little girl ; 

Simulation :

Italian sailor propositions Thai hooker in the age-old manner (by squeezing her ass).  'She' pulls her dress up to reveal 'her' surprisingly large cock and while he is gawping in disbelief, the Thai ladyboy jams 2 vibrating eggs into his eye sockets before thrusting a sharpened dildo through the side of his neck.

Flawless Victory !

Italain sailor proves no match for his cunning oriental adversary and must go in search of a less formidable opponent such as a gerbil or money spider.

Sunday, 28 November 2010

Truly Serious Amore

My friends, it gives me great pleasure to announce my forthcoming engagement to Lydia, a very special lady i met whilst journeying by the areoplane across the United States of the Americas. Lydia is a transportation security specialist who enjoys her work and to say she opened my eyes about certain aspects of her job would be a severe understatement -  my eyes were literally popping out of my head. Let's just say that during the course of Lydia's 'inspection', boundaries weren't just explored - the whole map was comprehensively re-written.

I emerged from her pat-down on shaky legs, feeling violated, abused and thoroughly satisfied. I knew almost immediately that i couldn't rely on the vagaries of my business calendar to fulfill my needs - i had to be 'inspected' by Lydia every night. Before it was too late, I blurted out that i had swallowed 2 kilos of C4 and the deal was sealed.

Sometimes we find love in the strangest places.

Anorexia Blog of the Week

from DoesMySkullLookBigInThis?.blogspot.com

Better Dead than Redshirt


Monday, 6 September 2010


Right now, i bet you're thinking old Tarquin's sitting there alone in the dark again, sniffing his fingers and listening to the soundtrack to Star Trek II : Wrath of Khan, thinking of all the different ways to assassinate Smagboy. Well, it's true, i am thinking that, but i'm also thinking that the only explanation for the way people treat me is some kind of discrepancy between my own self-image and how other people see me. I'm guessing the discrepancy looks something like this :

1. How I See Myself

2. How Others See Me :

Obviously, that comparison was an exaggeration and that second picture looks nothing like me. The real me has a boner from catching an eyeful of that chick's panties in the first picture.

Better Dead than Redshirt

Friday, 3 September 2010

Astrological Horoscope for GOoPers

Leo : Pluto is rising up like an uppity black man so you can expect 18 Mexican drug dealers to move in next door and triumphant Muslim Nazis to goosestep all over 9/11 hallowed ground before a dozen of their ululating burkha bitches squat and take a steaming crap on Ground Zero

Capricorn : A large body is rotating out of Uranus which means your crystal energy levels will be radiating at maximum intensity : a good month to spend on the internet investigating them who would conceal Obama's true place of birth (Mecca).

Taurus : Oh my, Venus is colliding with the Moon which foretells confrontation. A shotgun in his mouth might just be the way to make your weird neighbour confess whether he's a genuine tea-bagger or just a paranoid schizophrenic who's off his meds.

Cancer : Venus is moving into the Eighth House and your battered wife is moving into her sister's house so this is the perfect moment to admit you're a repressed homosexual.

Sagittarius : Mercury turns retrograde this year which can only mean one thing : you are fucking retarded.

Gemini : That cult you joined is getting boring. A good month to get involved in Tarot readings, buy a crystal ball, become obsessed with numerology and purchase a machine gun.

Libra : Jupiter is spitting jism in the general direction of Neptune so Mystic Mick predicts donating whatever funds you have to the Church of Scientology because it's End Times Armageddon plus The Rapture x 8 with whipped cream on top. Actually, this should apply to all the signs but astrology never made much sense. Anyway, buy a one-way ticket to Israel so you can get a front-row seat for the apocalypse.

Pisces : Saturn is doing a merry jig around the Third House so your birther instincts will be flowing like redneck semen at a WWF smackdown. This might be the ideal time to make Obama admit that he was catapulted forward in time by Hitler's Muslim stormtroopers to impose socialism on Americans and to declare Osama Bin Laden Sultan of California.