Saturday, 24 April 2010

Jobs That Should Be Banned # 1


Waiting is so demeaning that it should just be outlawed because nobody actually needs waiters - they’re just there so some nobody can feel like he’s king for the day. Banning waiting as an occupation would force those people who feel they have to fetch and carry stuff for assholes, to seek out a nobler, more highly-valued profession such as fluffer in the gay porn industry.

Just because some asshole decides to take his wife out for the first time in 5 years, he suddenly feels he’s inherited the mantle of Louis XVIII or King Tutankhamun and enters the restaurant like he’s riding a golden fucking chariot before proceeding to treat the waiter like a sub in a degrading S & M powerplay. 

“I expect to be treated well,” the asshole says. “I’m paying a lot for this meal in order to secure a couple of helpings of pity-sex from my cold-hearted bitch of a wife, and, besides which”, he adds, “I always leave a generous tip.  The only time I don’t leave a tip is if the staff are rude or the service is poor.”

Who the fuck is this entitled douchebag? The king of Bohemia ? Waiters earn a pittance that would outrage a 7 year old living on a trashpile in the Philippines, so even if they ejaculate in your soup and shit in your napkin, waiters MUST ALWAYS be tipped handsomely. Waiting is a poorly-paid and demeaning job which would easily crush the spirits of Mother Theresa, Shirley Temple and Jesus Christ combined like a cargo-container full of gold bricks. By threatening to withhold a tip from these demoralized, hollow-eyed workers, you are effectively pressurizing them to smile and be polite which is like forcing a concentration camp inmate to perform a complicated tap dance routine at the point of a gun.


McDonalds’ food tastes like cardboard smeared with pigswill but customers are apparently still “lovin’ it !” Obviously, what they are “lovin’” is not the disgusting food, so I can only assume that the love they are feeling is a positive reaction to the lack of waiters and to their being forced to clear up their own shit. 

Famous Waiters

Unlike chefs and plumbers and just about every imaginable job out there, there are NO famous waiters except for the fictional character of Manuel in Fawlty Towers and he was famous mostly for getting his ass kicked and being publicly humiliated, which was, at least, a realistic depiction of what the job entails.


Waiting = Getting Your Ass Kicked 

The fact is, is that nobody needs waiters anyway. People wouldn’t even need someone to ladle the food onto their plate if they weren’t such incorrigibly greedy fuckers and could be trusted not to pile the plate to the sky and push the restaurant into bankruptcy.

Paying people to bring you your food is equivalent to paying someone to wipe your ass. Get it yourself, you lazy shit.

(Yes, I have waited tables a long time ago, and the only circumstances I could imagine doing it again involve an open-mouthed Jessica Alba sans knickers).


  1. Greetings Tarky! One thing that I'd like to note, only because I'm not sure how extensively you've traveled in the US, is that waiters in Europe actually do quite well compared to here. Matter of fact, and I'm not even kidding, there were a few times in Germany where the waiter said I'd tipped too much! Here, the expectation is between 15-20% of your dinner bill. Period. And waiters don't make minimum wage! The restaurants are actually not required to pay them minimum wage! So, not tipping here, as you say, really should be reserved for shitting in the soup! I mean, it's sort of a social contract that if you're going to go somewhere with a wait staff, you'd better know up front that you need to tip.

    Now, in Europe, as you know, waiters are actually treated as employees! They actually make money from the restaurant and, too, typical tipping percentages are considerably less.

    Of course, I realize that I'm terribly off-point here, but, it just felt like it had to be said. I don't know why.

    Cheers! :-)

  2. Well, the American system sounds potentially highly profitable if you're working in a fancy-pants restaurant which attracts big tippers. Otherwise, though, it's like I said - you're practically forcing these overworked saps to smile which is just out of order, to use a British expression.
    Also, the whole concept of waiting is wrong, when all you need to do is walk to the kitchen : )
    Thanks for
    stopping by, Smaggie.

  3. Hey, mermie, i live it large every now and again. When i can actually find a Burger King, that is.

  4. @Tarquin: well, sure, anytime a wait person can land a gig in a high end, la di da restaurant, they're going to bring in the duckets if they're worth a piss (and if they're not, they'll be fired in short order anyway). But, considering they're starting from essentially no base salary, most everyone else does have a ways to go before making a decent earning. That's why if you ask any waiter, ever, they'll tell you they're just doing it until they finish school or land this job or that job or until they snag a rich spouse, etc. None of them are aspiring to be professional waiters. But, in Europe, because the base salary is a living wage -AND- one earns tips on top of that wage (much smaller, percentage-wise, though they are), it seems to me that system's a bit better, a bit less like saps, yeah? Plus, they get universal health care there!

    @Mermaid: My lovely Mermaid, I'm not sure why you'd say that? Every time I've gone out with you, we end up paying no tips at all because the waiters are always so enamored of your naked boobies that they often don't even have us pay the bill! So why are you hatin'? ;-)

  5. Oh, right ~ my tits again. God love you for a liar, Smag. You don't think it might have anything to do with the fact that I'm a FREAKIN' MERMAID in their restaurant? YOU'VE gotten used to it but it's not something the average landlubber sees every day. My naked boobies aren't exactly the first thing guys usually notice about me, if you get my drift. ;)

    This kissing my tail is all well and good, SmagBoyWonder, but how will we ever have the hot make-up sex if you won't ever take the bait and fight with me about anything, so we have something to make up about? *pout*

  6. Ah Fawlty Towers, one of my all time favorite show --probably because I used to be in the restaurant hotel business --- even attended CERIA (Brussels hotel training school) for a whole year before I flanked ballistic which they said we had to know so as to understand refrigeration --I still haven't figured out the connection and/or the need.... so I had to be sent off in shame to my aunt in the US where things became so much more intelligible probably because I didn't understand English....