Waiter
Waiting is so demeaning that it should just be outlawed because nobody actually needs waiters - they’re just there so some nobody can feel like he’s king for the day. Banning waiting as an occupation would force those people who feel they have to fetch and carry stuff for assholes, to seek out a nobler, more highly-valued profession such as fluffer in the gay porn industry.
Just because some asshole decides to take his wife out for the first time in 5 years, he suddenly feels he’s inherited the mantle of Louis XVIII or King Tutankhamun and enters the restaurant like he’s riding a golden fucking chariot before proceeding to treat the waiter like a sub in a degrading S & M powerplay.
“I expect to be treated well,” the asshole says. “I’m paying a lot for this meal in order to secure a couple of helpings of pity-sex from my cold-hearted bitch of a wife, and, besides which”, he adds, “I always leave a generous tip. The only time I don’t leave a tip is if the staff are rude or the service is poor.”
Who the fuck is this entitled douchebag? The king of Bohemia ? Waiters earn a pittance that would outrage a 7 year old living on a trashpile in the Philippines, so even if they ejaculate in your soup and shit in your napkin, waiters MUST ALWAYS be tipped handsomely. Waiting is a poorly-paid and demeaning job which would easily crush the spirits of Mother Theresa, Shirley Temple and Jesus Christ combined like a cargo-container full of gold bricks. By threatening to withhold a tip from these demoralized, hollow-eyed workers, you are effectively pressurizing them to smile and be polite which is like forcing a concentration camp inmate to perform a complicated tap dance routine at the point of a gun.
McDonalds
McDonalds’ food tastes like cardboard smeared with pigswill but customers are apparently still “lovin’ it !” Obviously, what they are “lovin’” is not the disgusting food, so I can only assume that the love they are feeling is a positive reaction to the lack of waiters and to their being forced to clear up their own shit.
Famous Waiters
Unlike chefs and plumbers and just about every imaginable job out there, there are NO famous waiters except for the fictional character of Manuel in Fawlty Towers and he was famous mostly for getting his ass kicked and being publicly humiliated, which was, at least, a realistic depiction of what the job entails.
Waiting = Getting Your Ass Kicked
The fact is, is that nobody needs waiters anyway. People wouldn’t even need someone to ladle the food onto their plate if they weren’t such incorrigibly greedy fuckers and could be trusted not to pile the plate to the sky and push the restaurant into bankruptcy.
Paying people to bring you your food is equivalent to paying someone to wipe your ass. Get it yourself, you lazy shit.
(Yes, I have waited tables a long time ago, and the only circumstances I could imagine doing it again involve an open-mouthed Jessica Alba sans knickers).
