Leo : Pluto is rising up like an uppity black man so you can expect 18 Mexican drug dealers to move in next door and triumphant Muslim Nazis to goosestep all over 9/11 hallowed ground before a dozen of their ululating burkha bitches squat and take a steaming crap on Ground Zero
Capricorn : A large body is rotating out of Uranus which means your crystal energy levels will be radiating at maximum intensity : a good month to spend on the internet investigating them who would conceal Obama's true place of birth (Mecca).
Taurus : Oh my, Venus is colliding with the Moon which foretells confrontation. A shotgun in his mouth might just be the way to make your weird neighbour confess whether he's a genuine tea-bagger or just a paranoid schizophrenic who's off his meds.
Cancer : Venus is moving into the Eighth House and your battered wife is moving into her sister's house so this is the perfect moment to admit you're a repressed homosexual.
Sagittarius : Mercury turns retrograde this year which can only mean one thing : you are fucking retarded.
Gemini : That cult you joined is getting boring. A good month to get involved in Tarot readings, buy a crystal ball, become obsessed with numerology and purchase a machine gun.
Libra : Jupiter is spitting jism in the general direction of Neptune so Mystic Mick predicts donating whatever funds you have to the Church of Scientology because it's End Times Armageddon plus The Rapture x 8 with whipped cream on top. Actually, this should apply to all the signs but astrology never made much sense. Anyway, buy a one-way ticket to Israel so you can get a front-row seat for the apocalypse.
Pisces : Saturn is doing a merry jig around the Third House so your birther instincts will be flowing like redneck semen at a WWF smackdown. This might be the ideal time to make Obama admit that he was catapulted forward in time by Hitler's Muslim stormtroopers to impose socialism on Americans and to declare Osama Bin Laden Sultan of California.