Friday, 3 September 2010

Astrological Horoscope for GOoPers

Leo : Pluto is rising up like an uppity black man so you can expect 18 Mexican drug dealers to move in next door and triumphant Muslim Nazis to goosestep all over 9/11 hallowed ground before a dozen of their ululating burkha bitches squat and take a steaming crap on Ground Zero

Capricorn : A large body is rotating out of Uranus which means your crystal energy levels will be radiating at maximum intensity : a good month to spend on the internet investigating them who would conceal Obama's true place of birth (Mecca).

Taurus : Oh my, Venus is colliding with the Moon which foretells confrontation. A shotgun in his mouth might just be the way to make your weird neighbour confess whether he's a genuine tea-bagger or just a paranoid schizophrenic who's off his meds.

Cancer : Venus is moving into the Eighth House and your battered wife is moving into her sister's house so this is the perfect moment to admit you're a repressed homosexual.

Sagittarius : Mercury turns retrograde this year which can only mean one thing : you are fucking retarded.

Gemini : That cult you joined is getting boring. A good month to get involved in Tarot readings, buy a crystal ball, become obsessed with numerology and purchase a machine gun.

Libra : Jupiter is spitting jism in the general direction of Neptune so Mystic Mick predicts donating whatever funds you have to the Church of Scientology because it's End Times Armageddon plus The Rapture x 8 with whipped cream on top. Actually, this should apply to all the signs but astrology never made much sense. Anyway, buy a one-way ticket to Israel so you can get a front-row seat for the apocalypse.

Pisces : Saturn is doing a merry jig around the Third House so your birther instincts will be flowing like redneck semen at a WWF smackdown. This might be the ideal time to make Obama admit that he was catapulted forward in time by Hitler's Muslim stormtroopers to impose socialism on Americans and to declare Osama Bin Laden Sultan of California.


  1. Put it this way, Dicey, it's probably not even worth my while leaving this comment because you've probably already left this Earth by now.

  2. Oh Tarq, you're just too funny!

    My birthday is coming up, so how about Virgo?

  3. Honey, a Leo will chew those nasties up and spit them out. Bring it on.

  4. Yay, if I was a Gooper, I'd get to buy a machine gun! Woo-hoo! :-)

  5. Kati - wonder why the Moon seems to be crescent-shaped for, like, forever these days ? Because of Obama's secret Islamic Shield Array which casts a gigantic shadow over the Moon and which also beams down Islamic propaganda directly into your Cerebral cortex.
    It so happens that Virgos are very influenced by the Moon, for God knows whatever reason, so my advice is to invest in about 6 boxes of heavy duty tin foil and just sit out the next 2-3 years as best you can.

  6. Virgo here, Tarky, and I hate to admit it, but I get real bad hat hair, so sans foil I shall go forth to suffer the consequences of Bambam's moonbeam Muslim hoodoo transmissions and maybe go blow up some shit.

    Thanks for the warnings, too - I will be avoiding Geminis, except at teabagger rallies. Go Sarah! She's just so sensimal and festivary, isn't she?

    Ooh, dear, it's 9:30 AM here - better break out the gin. Cheers!