Shih Tzu : half dog, half monkey, all trouble.

Imagine a pill, which, instead of alleviating migraines, actually induces them, then imagine this pill is covered in spikes and is injected directly into your brain and what you have there is the pharmaceutical equivalent of a Shih Tzu, a dog without any purpose in the world aside from giving you splitting headaches and setting your nerves on edge.

You see, a Shih Tzu only sleeps 85% of the time,unfortunately, which means that still leaves it a solid 15% segment of quality time which it can spend clacking around on your hardwood floors, licking itself, scratching, farting and generally shredding your nerve endings up until the time you take it for a walk whereupon it does its utmost to make you look as homosexual as possible.

Here’s 6 solid reasons why Shih Tzu are a mistake as a pet and as a general concept :

1. Shih Tzu are stupid - they rank 70th in Stanley Coren's The Intelligence of Dogs, considered one of the lowest degree of working/obedience intelligence (trainability).
For Shih Tzu, an ‘incredible journey’ is finding its way to the back garden ;

2. Shih Tzu are so low to the ground they’re practically seals which means they collect more mud and dirt on their undercarriage than a 4 by 4 in the Congo ;

3. A dog’s eyes shouldn’t bulge out of its head that much unless I’m throttling it (which i usually am to be fair) ;

4. Shih Tzu seem to go deaf after just one evening sitting next to your hi-fi speakers ;

5. At first glance,a Shih Tzu looks pretty small but they’ll eat you out of house and home and then spread their shit around the garden like a turbo-charged muck-spreader. In fact, they convert money into shit faster than anything this side of an investment tip from Goldman Sachs ;

6. Shih Tzu produce enough ear wax to keep the Roman Catholic church in candles until the second coming.
                                                       

                                  

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

Shih Tzu puppy                                Tasmanian DEVIL

               

                   Shih Tzu = Devil dog           PROOF !!!  ^^^

       

  

          

Kirk

A New Addition to Our Family

Inspired by Madonna and Brangelina's example , we recently decided to take the plunge and adopt someone from a backward, impoverished country and share with them all the things that we have been lucky and blessed enough to take for granted such as indoor plumbing, electricity and the internet.

Meet Seamus :

Seamus is from Ireland and had never been outside of a pub or seen a widescreen TV before he joined us in England. He lights up our life with his hearty laughter and smoker's cough and radiates joy throughout our humble abode like a little beaker of strontium-90. Truly, we feel blessed to have been given this opportunity to bestow our love on this little bundle of cantankerousness and he surely validates us in a way in which our natural daughter could never hope to. 

Getting Seamus to rise from bed before 2 in the afternoon and changing his soiled underwear has occasionally proved challenging, but he more than rewards us with his colourfully obscene language and feisty bouts of physical violence. Right now, i can hear my wife's friends exploding in gales of laughter as she recounts the time he cracked a whisky bottle across her forehead for trying to stop him from defecating in one of our antique Chinese vases. This incorrigibly cheeky scamp will be the death of us, i'm sure.

Spock

Ozzel Strikes Again

MEANWHILE...........

Jobs That Should Be Banned # 1

Waiter

Waiting is so demeaning that it should just be outlawed because nobody actually needs waiters - they’re just there so some nobody can feel like he’s king for the day. Banning waiting as an occupation would force those people who feel they have to fetch and carry stuff for assholes, to seek out a nobler, more highly-valued profession such as fluffer in the gay porn industry.

Just because some asshole decides to take his wife out for the first time in 5 years, he suddenly feels he’s inherited the mantle of Louis XVIII or King Tutankhamun and enters the restaurant like he’s riding a golden fucking chariot before proceeding to treat the waiter like a sub in a degrading S & M powerplay. 

“I expect to be treated well,” the asshole says. “I’m paying a lot for this meal in order to secure a couple of helpings of pity-sex from my cold-hearted bitch of a wife, and, besides which”, he adds, “I always leave a generous tip.  The only time I don’t leave a tip is if the staff are rude or the service is poor.”

Who the fuck is this entitled douchebag? The king of Bohemia ? Waiters earn a pittance that would outrage a 7 year old living on a trashpile in the Philippines, so even if they ejaculate in your soup and shit in your napkin, waiters MUST ALWAYS be tipped handsomely. Waiting is a poorly-paid and demeaning job which would easily crush the spirits of Mother Theresa, Shirley Temple and Jesus Christ combined like a cargo-container full of gold bricks. By threatening to withhold a tip from these demoralized, hollow-eyed workers, you are effectively pressurizing them to smile and be polite which is like forcing a concentration camp inmate to perform a complicated tap dance routine at the point of a gun.

McDonalds

McDonalds’ food tastes like cardboard smeared with pigswill but customers are apparently still “lovin’ it !” Obviously, what they are “lovin’” is not the disgusting food, so I can only assume that the love they are feeling is a positive reaction to the lack of waiters and to their being forced to clear up their own shit. 

Famous Waiters

Unlike chefs and plumbers and just about every imaginable job out there, there are NO famous waiters except for the fictional character of Manuel in Fawlty Towers and he was famous mostly for getting his ass kicked and being publicly humiliated, which was, at least, a realistic depiction of what the job entails.

 

Waiting = Getting Your Ass Kicked 

The fact is, is that nobody needs waiters anyway. People wouldn’t even need someone to ladle the food onto their plate if they weren’t such incorrigibly greedy fuckers and could be trusted not to pile the plate to the sky and push the restaurant into bankruptcy.

Paying people to bring you your food is equivalent to paying someone to wipe your ass. Get it yourself, you lazy shit.

(Yes, I have waited tables a long time ago, and the only circumstances I could imagine doing it again involve an open-mouthed Jessica Alba sans knickers).